I had no idea until just a few days ago that the Lovely Bones movie is directed by Peter Jackson. I loved this book and I was really worried that someone would take a good book and make a bad movie because they would be afraid to say what needed to be said. Afraid to let the audience be scared, feel sad and hurt for these characters. That they would be trying to hard to make us all feel happy at the end that the whole point would be lost. Know Peter Jackson is in charge makes me worry about this much less, I hope he does it right. The trailer is wonderful, maybe we can even get out of the house to see it in the theater. Oh maybe that is what I will ask for when we go out for my birthday when my Mom comes to visit, when does it hit theaters?...goes to check...the Internets say Dec 11th, yay, that's 8 full days before my birthday!

So I might not be able to update everything on both blogs tomorrow because I want to have as much time for reading as possible but I will do what I can and if you want to stop by my reading blog to add comments (you can leave comments here too) or cheer me on or jsut find out how I am doing then please I would love to have you. just hope over to www.momsnotall.com




I am pretty excited to take part in this reading challenge. Dewey's 24 hour read-a-thon is the first time I have ever done anything like this actually in person or over the Internet. I am a little disappointed that I did not find out about this challenge earlier so that I would have enough time to promote and get sponsors so donate to a charity, I love the idea of doing this for fun but it would have more purpose if I was reading for a cause. However if this read-a-thon goes well I will participate in the next one which I believe is in April and in that case I will have plenty of time to set something like that up.

While I am reading the blogs of other people who are also taking part in the read-a-thon I notice people are building strategies so I figure I should come up with one of my own. Here is my plan, it is sort of loose and go with the flow, there are a lot of variables that I can't control or don't know what is happening with them right now so my plan sort of has to be open for change. First, I will actually get up when my 2 year old son comes into get me out of bed in the morning (usually around 6am) then we will start out our reading day with a few children's books that he will most likely bring to me from his book shelf. Then after a quick breakfast I will start reading my books while he plays around with his cars which he can do for quite some time before becoming bored. There might be a little Sesame Street watching in there too so I can make the most of my reading time.
Then here come a few more variables we have been invited to a block party from noon to 2pm but I am not sure if we are going yet because that cuts into nap time (for him and of course my reading. Also my husband who has been working all week in Mobile, AL may or may not be driving home on Saturday to spend the day with us. If he does this is great because he can spend quality time with the little guy while I read, if he doesn't then I will be reading a lot more children's books than I really want to but all will be ok in the end either way. Then I get to read all through naptime and then we will see how the evening goes with me reading as much as I can without giving the little guy too much TV time. And then I plan to read after he goes to bed but not super super late because he will be up and ready to go in the morning with no regard to my having stayed up all night just to read some books and so I will need my beauty rest better known as my So Mommy Doesn't Yell At You Rest.

I am hoping to do a few of the Mini Challenges too and update my blog as often as I can to keep people posted on my progress. I am thinking of updating whenever I finish a book or I need a break from reading. Also, I won't write full on reviews tomorrow just quick thoughts, I will write reviews on all the books I finish tomorrow in the next few days so I can use as much time for reading tomorrow as possible.

we went to the library today to pick up a bunch of new kids books to keep both Chance and I occupied for the read-a-thon on Saturday. 24 hours of reading, it's going to be so much fun. I might not make it all 24 hours because it would really be crazy of me not to sleep at all over night because the little guy will not be giving me a break on Sunday just because I wanted to read all night long but I am going to read as much as I can and that is all I can ask for. If you want a sneak peak of my read-a-thon pile then jump on over here to my reading blog.

Also, maybe it's too soon for you to plan to read but you can sign up to be a cheerleader by going here.

thinking of doing Dewey's read-a-thon. It is this Saturday and basically you read for 24 hours or as much of that time as you can. I have been in such a reading mood lately and when Chance needs love and attention I will just read kids books, there isn't a rule against that plus we have a playdate at the library on Thursday so I could pick up a bunch of new children's books so it would be exciting for both of us.


more info http://24hourreadathon.com/

what do I want from thee?Maybe I should 'ask not what life can do for me but what I can do for life'

Instead of trying to make a lot of money (which the odds of happening is very low) what are other ways I can "provide" for my family?

What goals do I have? Where is my happiness and how can I get closer to that happiness?

These are not questions I am asking you but questions I am asking myself.

I couldn't sleep last night, so many things flowing through my head. I woke up with the little one at 6:17 am and took a shower. That is so unlike me. Now I am typing and drinking coffee, oh sweet coffee. Wondering what I want out of life and thinking more and more about Urban Chickens.

So this weekend was my 10 year high school reunion. There were three events and we attended all of them. There were a lot of people who I would have liked to see who weren't able to attend but other than that it was cool. We won a trip at the big event Saturday night, 2 nights on Captiva for next year which even though we wouldn't have picked that destination it willbe awesome to veg out for a few days on our own next year. Other than that the best part was the after party at a local pizza bar we didn't stay as long as I wanted because Scott was tired but that's ok.

Today Scott was called away on a last minute trip to NC. I am just glad we are still here in FL so Chance and I aren't alone for the next few days.

So in case you don't know the schools in New Orleans are really bad. I wouldn't even dream of putting Chance in over 99% of the public schools here and a good portion of the private schools aren't that great either. So when I recently heard about a Charter school with really high marks both on tests and from parents/ the community I had to check it out.

There is a pretty intense application process. First we have to watch the school's website for the application to show up which will be end of Oct or begining of Nov then we fill it out with proper paperwork and turn it in in person. Then at least one parent must attend 3 to 4 meetings through the end of the year without the kids so that means possibly a babysitter each time. Points are awarded to the child's application each time the parent(s) attend a meeting so the patents pretty much have to attend (not that I don't want to). Then in Feb. There is a lottery and then we would find out in March if he was accepted.

There are two different programs in the school Montesorri and French. As I understand from the website and talking to people the French Immersion program is like a reglar school in other words there is not a special teaching method but everything is taught in French. The school is the only one in the state that is accredited by the French Government and his credits would transfer to any other French accredited school in the world.

The Montesorri program follows montesorri guidelines through 8th grade. I very much like the ideas of montesorri, it's more of a collective approach to education with an appreciation of individual students and creativity. They place students of different grades together to let them help each other learn.

As far as I can tell the parents pick a program when they turn in the application before all the meetings which seems strange. After all how can you chose without getting the information? So I am hoping we pick a program after.

In talking about it Scott and I prefer different programs. He likes French I like Montesorri. His thought is that being bilingual is a major asset and that the fact that we would have to learn French would be a fun challenge. I lean Montesorri for two reasons, 1. I think Chance would do well in a program like that. He is very smart but he is at times a little slower than other kids at things. He crawled late, he walked late , he started talking late it's not just things he "choses" he got his teeth late too it's just the way he is the up side is when he does start something he jumps right into it, and a lot of the time jumps ahead of other kids once he gets the hang of something. I think he would bennefit a lot from an atmosphere with more than one age and grade in the same room. He could pick up something a little later with the younger kids then shoot ahead to the older kids and still not have any ackwardness ir displacement. And 2. I am not good at languages and I want to be able to help him in school. If his homework is in French I would not be as much of an asset as I would like to be. In English he wouldn't need a tutor for help till High school in French his tutor would come in Elementary school. They do have tutors available but I really think it is important for parents to be on board and available and French would really limit me in that way.

Now the idea of French would be more appealing if it were Montesorri too but i won't find that out for sure for a while yet. I don't want to take away an opportunity for Chance to learn French but I also don't want to have to send him to a tutor when I could be helping him at home just because it's in French.

I am very interested to hear what others have to say, would you pick French Immersion or Montesorri? Why?


Also please excuse mis-spellings I am typing on my iPhone without spell check.

this is going to suck if I can't find someone to watch Deedle. so far I can't find anyone and I can't afford a regular kennel or pet sitter. I can not stay here.

Anyone in the NOLA area able to watch a pug dog and/or 5 month old kitten from Aug 16th thru Sept 2nd? My house or yours. Scott will be working at a station in San Antonio and if we can find someone to watch the animals then Chance and I can go with him.

Suddenly it's clean
Clear into the future
Bright green leaves
Glowing blue sky
Light floods the room
Surround me with millions of little smiles
That tickle my skin
Sending shivers of motivation
Through my body

Tool in hand I'll hop the ladder
Around the house
Removing bars from every window
Living room, family room,
Bathroom, kitchen, bedrooms
For years keeping everything out
No longer keeping me in

I was just locked out of my house, ok wait I was actually just let back into my house by a wonderful man from Star Lock and Key who left the job he was on to come open my door when he heard that Chance was still inside. That's right we got home from a playdate and he had fallen asleep in the car so I carried him in and put him in his bed. Then because I was hungry I took my keys, walked out the front door, locked it and went around the house to the backdoor. I usually hang my keys on my belt loop but because Chance was asleep and my walking around the kitchen was making noise I took them off and hung them by the door. I made my lunch then went back outside shutting the door behind me and walked around to the front of the house. It was only then that I realized I didn't have my keys to get in and only when I walked through the gate and saw the back door did I fully comprehend what I had just done.
Even though I knew he couldn't help me the first person I called was Scott to bounce ideas off of him, then when I noticed that one of our neighbors was home I asked him if he knew a good locksmith. He recommended Star Lock and Key so I called, they told me they would try to get here earlier but the soonest they could promise was 4 hours. Well, that is too long, Chance naps between 1 and 2 hours in the afternoon so I was looking at a 2 hour maximum and counting. So I went back over to borrow a screwdriver from the same neighbor, pulled a ladder out form under the house and started unscrewing the bars from the kitchen window since that is the one most likely to me unlocked. I was working on the fourth and final screw when my phone rang. It was the locksmith. In about 2 minutes he had the front door unlocked. It cost $81.75 which we had no intention of spending on a locksmith but I am so grateful that he came so fast. Chance is still sleeping and of course has no idea. I am just happy that I got back in one way or the other before he woke up and got scared.

If you need a locksmith you want Star Lock and Key!!!!!

This movie comes out on the 14th, I so want to see it though I probably won't make it to the theater to see it, I will get it as soon as it makes it to renting or buying. I loved the book and the movie looks just as good.

So I have a life issue, remember how I said that if Scott left town between when he flew in from his last trip a little over a week ago and when we were supposed to go to San Antonio on Aug 16th that I would kill myself a la Virginia Woolf?  Well, we dropped Scott off at the airport at 6:00 am this morning.

The issue is this, I don't really want to kill myself.  I want to get out of here, I want to not be alone anymore.  I have tried to have conversations about moving back to Florida but my words have yet to produce any action or even any real decisions.  I don't want to have to pack up and go and hope that he follows but when I say I can't do this anymore I am not just saying it to here myself talk.

He will be out of town until late on Friday, I don't even have his flight information, he doesn't forward it to me unless I specifically ask.  But he said it was around midnight which means I will have to keep stinky up or he will have to take a cab which we probably won't have money for...
Until then we have a playdate on Wednesday and other than that nothing else to do and an assignment not to spend any money.  I had plans to go to a Moms Night Out with the moms from the playgroup but without a babysitter and lack of funds I won't be able to do that anymore, I never really thought I would be able to go but I am sad that things have become so bad that I never got excited about going out due to how many times I have been screwed by Scott's schedule.

Chance is wearing the same outfit he wore yesterday, he went to bed so late and got up so early this morning he never made it into PJ's last night.

I don't want to sit around feeling bad for myself it's just that I am in shock that we keep doing this, that I keep doing this.  I say we need to get out of here while he still has this job and he keeps asking me to hold on a little while longer and I keep doing it.  Why the hell do I keep doing this?  I need to get my shizzle together and get the H-E-L-L out of here while I still have a little bit of my sanity left to even think about rebuilding any kind of life that we can live and trust what is going to heppen next.

We are hoping to get out early in the morning. We are off to my family reunion, This is our route so hopefully we will make it there early enough in the day to still visit and have a good time.






View Directions to Slade, KY in a larger map

when I opened live journal today this community was in the spotlight onaleopard it should most definitely be something you check out.  discription:
Fans of novelist Catherynne M. Valente (aka yuki_onna) flock to this community to discuss the latest chapter in her online novel, The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making.

later when I have more time I will explain why you should read all stories by yuki_onna  but for now let me just say they are good, just do it.

OK remember the rash/skin condition I told you all about? Well, I made a dermatologist appointment for this Friday which was the earliest I could make it because I can't go when Scott isn't home. I jsut don't have what it takes to chase a toddler around a doctor's office while trying to worry about my own medical problems. Anyway, the bottom line is that the whole problem is almost gone. So, do I still go to the doctor and try to explain what it looked and felt like or do I just call off the appointment all together and just hope that if it happens again I will be in a better position to get into the Doctor's office before it goes away again?

Life's persistent questions.

Thing #1: We bought a kiddie pool today. So I opened the box and realized there was no way I was going to blow the whole pool up by hand or mouth as it were. So I pulled the air compressor that we carry in the car for flat tires out of the trunk and tried it but we have misplaced the adapter kit so I couldn't get it to work. Then I pulled out my hair dryer set it to cool and using an adapter (not the right one) proceeded to attempt blowing up the pool. It was working very very slowly. I continued to do this for about 10 minutes the whole time staring at a much bigger hole right next to the little one, this hole was intended to let the air out and so it took all that time to register that I could in fact put the air in that hole as well. Once I figured this out things went much faster and we were swimming in no time. this is just one of those things that make you feel slow to learn I always say that I am "slow not stupid" and this just proves it.

It didn't stop there though

Thing #2: so now we are outside the pool is in place and i bring the hose over to fill it up. We have one of those "gun" type nozzles on the end of the hose that have about ten different settings, shower, mist, fan, full, jet... So I put it on full. There is a little thing that is supposed to hold it open so you can set it and forget it but I couldn't get it to work so i am standing there holding the hose pulling the trigger thinking that this is going to take forever. I stand there for a while when I finally realize that taking the nozzle off and just letting the water flow freely out of the hose is an option. So I do that and all is well.

Why did it take so long for these things to register? Old age is creeping, I am glad i actually did think of the alternatives. It will suck when that starts happening. Must keep my brain working!!

First how the Hell do you spell jamys? as in pajamas. I obviously don't know and as I am still in them today I am being too lazy to even look it up on the internet. It is 1:00pm by the way. Chance is still in his jamies too but that doesn't matter any more since it is now nap time and he is sleeping again. After finishing this entry I plan to go to the couch maybe read a book and maybe finish watching Knocked Up which I started yesterday.

I am liking this taking care of Rayna time. I need to write, write, write, writing here and in my paper journal seems to help me focus even if I am not writing anything deep and profound also that poem I wrote the other day on here was the best thing I have written in months. Feeling good about that. I've still got it, its still int here somewhere I just have to let it come out.

Maybe I'll do National Novel Writing Month again this year. One thing I learned from two years ago is you need an outline. It was much harder without one and the second half was complete and total crap because I didn't know where I was going. Outlining is not against the rules so we shall see.

Now I am going to go veg some more.

So I have no time money or general ability to go to therapy not to mention other people who live in this house (at least half the time) think it is a bad idea. So I use books, myself and journals to work through most of my problems.  I know that crazy venting has its place in the world of healing but constructively working through problems is a lot better. So, I want to write out what went wrong in our relationship and where I think it stems from.  People might ask if I care if he reads this and the answer is no, I have either told him or tried to tell him all of this.

When we moved to New Orleans I was on board, I was ready to move, we picked New Orleans because it was where Scott always wanted to live. He had lived here before and always wanted to come back.  We moved here with two stipulations 1. I might not like it and so he had to be willing to live somewhere else after we stayed here for a while in case I didn't like it and 2. That trial period would last 5 years because that is how long he lived in Florida for me.  At first it was fun and then as we got into the routine of daily life I became very nervous. I was having a hard time learning the city and having never lived outside Fort Myers, Florida I was generally having a sort of difficult transition to life in a big city not to mention a big city that was still very much in disarray from Katrina.  I was working a B and N and Scott at a gift shop in the Quarter.  We had been off birth control for 15 months when in April (5 months after moving to NOLA) we found out we were pregnant.  I was very happy and he was worried.  In May by complete coincidence he was offered a job by a company he had applied to when we still lived in Florida.  He took it, and then he told me.  Actually he asked me if it was ok and when I said I didn't like it and I was scared we would end up needed the money with him on the road all the time, there was a person I knew in FL whose life turned out lonely and a bit sad mostly because of a situation just like this and I didn't want us to end up like that but if he thought the job was a good thing that he really wanted to do I wasn't going to stand in his way and that he should take it if he wanted he said "good, because I already told him I would take the job" This really hurt my feelings because I thought him asking me mattered and I spent a bit of time really thinking about my answer but it turns out it didn't matter. He felt like he had to take this job because I was pregnant and the reason I didn't want him to is because I was pregnant so right from the beginning there was an issue.

Then he left and I worked at Barnes and Noble and what he told me was 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off which would have been ok but evidently they told him 3 weeks on and 1 week off which I would not have said was ok and in reality it was at times worse than that meanwhile I went to Dr.'s appointments which he missed and generally was pregnant by myself.  You know all those moments they have in movies with the soon-to-be-Father's hand on the soon-to-be-mother's stomach feeling the baby kick for the first time they have in movies? We never had those.  Scott was gone and when he was home he was tired and then he was gone again,  He did come to the ultrasound to find out the sex but I was really lonely during that time and very scared for what I would do if something went wrong.  Scott was supposed to be off weeks before Chance was due but that date got pushed back more and more until finally a few days before he did come home.  He was here for the whole birth and it was good.  He was home for about a week and a half before he left for a week and then was home for another couple weeks before he was gone again.  I was completely alone in a big city no family and no friends and now I had a new baby.  

By this time we were living in an apartment on the third floor in the French Quarter.  I had found this apartment when I was 8 months pregnant with the help of Scott's Mother.  Before we went looking for this apartment we knew our lease would be up on the last apartment and that we would need to look for something bigger. I asked Scott to help look; I made him tell me he would be in town for looking and signing leases.  I made it clear I did not want to sole responsibility of finding our new apartment; he said he would be there.  As I said earlier he wasn't he didn't even look at that apartment before we moved in, at 8 months pregnant I packed up all of our belongings and moved us into the new apartment.  I then unpacked everything.  These are things I should not have been doing and had been promised I wouldn't have to do but Scott was very in and out he would be gone for two weeks, home for 4 days then gone for weeks again.  In December we were very distracted by the new arrival but we talked briefly about him getting another job and even though he said when he took the job he wanted to try it till the end of the year, at the end of the year he said that he had meant one year for the job which meant June so I took that answer and I was quiet.

We did our best to enjoy the new baby, which basically meant I was up all the time breastfeeding and he was trying to sleep.  I know this isn't anything new in the whole girl/boy gender role world but I typically thought we would be different I also thought that if he was going to be gone so much that the time he did have here he would want to be more of a part of Chance's life but instead I changed him and I bathed him and I fed him and I played with him.  One time I mentioned that maybe Scott should get up in the middle of the night or maybe we should switch off nights he would say something stupid like "I don't have breast milk" which made we wonder what in the hell was going on here.  But of course I got up because it wasn't Chance's fault he was scared or hungry.  When he started back to work when Chance was about a month old, he was gone for 4 solid months.

I had 100% intended on going back to work I wanted to go part time maybe one of two days per week.  I know myself and my personality and I knew that having some Rayna time would be important for me to stay sane. I started looking at daycare facilities way before the birth but Scott never wanted to look at the info or visit anywhere I visited a few places on my own but felt overwhelmed by the choices and really wanted Scott's opinion  before picking somewhere or wanted him to meet the babysitter if that was the route we chose.  I also sort of felt like I needed his approval to go ahead because whatever we would spend in babysitting/daycare would be about as much as I would make at B and N so I wouldn't really be bringing home any money it would all be for my health and well being.  He refused and went so far as to say that he thought me going back to work was "stupid" and that if I could do it all on my own that was fine but he wouldn't help.  I didn't go back to work.

So, months went by of Scott going to be home on a certain date and then jobs getting moved or taking longer so he couldn't come back home before he was supposed to go to the next job.  He chose not to come home on weekends so he would just stay wherever he was and fly straight to the next job on Sunday without coming home in between I held it together ok for a while, I was enjoying Chance and being a mom wasn't all that hard. Then I planned a trip to Florida.  Scott was scheduled to be gone and so I planned a trip Chance and I flew down there. Scott was mad that I went he said I was not even trying to make a home in New Orleans and couldn't leave all the time.  I should have told him he was being selfish but I didn't, I felt bad and so I was planned our return so we would be there the next time the schedule said he would be home.  It was just becoming predictable but Scott did not come home that weekend so Chance and I were home alone.  We should have stayed in Florida.  Looking back if I had it to do all over again.  I would have transferred back to the B and N in Florida part time and moved back to Florida that is what I needed; I needed to be around family and friends not left all alone in this place.

June came and I brought up that it was the one year of his job and what were his plans to which he informed me that he wanted to stay till the end of the year.  I tried to say it was hard without him but I didn't stop him, not that I could.  We visited Portland that summer and Florida a few more times throughout the year.  All the while Scott was working 2 - 3 weeks on and 1 - 2 weeks off.  His schedule changed at the drop of a hat, he was supposed to come home on Friday and then on Thursday that would get moved to Tuesday.  He would be supposed to leave on Saturday and then they would call on Wednesday and ask him how fast he could pack.  We spent very little time together and that time was always on edge because I was scared they would call at any moment.  Slowly I stopped depending on him for anything that required him to actually be there.  I carried the groceries up three flights of stairs, I dealt with not having a refrigerator for a week and car problems and termite and mouse infestations.  One night there were termites flying all through the apartment, the landlords were not willing to help and so I had to spray horrible chemicals all over the place before putting Chance to bed.  At the end there were mice everywhere I slept on the floor in Chances room with maglights set up all around us to keep them away from the crib.  Scott might have cared but he did so from a distance. Our lease on the French Quarter apartment was coming to an end and I wanted to look for somewhere else to rent Scott wanted to buy. So I went looking.

I found the house we live in now after a few months of looking and demanded that Scott see it before we bought it. He saw it on one of his short trips home and approved.  I made him promise on all things holy that he would be here to sign the papers; I was getting to the point that I was having a hard time handling all of the responsibility of being here alone.  I never got a moment to myself and anytime I was in Florida and would leave Chance with my Mom to go out with my friends for a night he would give me a hard time.  He might have been away from home but he had moments to himself all the time, as soon as he left work and went to him hotel room he was off, free and clear, with a kid you are never off even when he is sleeping it is your job to listen and be ready whenever he wakes up.  Scott was not there for the signing to buy the house.  I had to get a babysitter and sign all the papers 2 times once for me and once for Scott, it was Halloween and it was a really low point.  It should have been happy, buying a house and all but I was beginning to really wear down, I was tired of being alone and I think that is when the falling apart really started, it was compounded by the already year and some of being lonely and dealing with Chance on my own but this day is when the crack formed in our lives.

That Christmas we went to Portland we spent a nice Christmas together and then he left as I stayed on for another week before coming back home.  While in Portland I mentioned that I was having a hard time and I didn't want to do this anymore. Since it was the end of the year I was thinking he would take this as my vote for if he should keep the job or not but he said he was sorry it was hard but that in June he had meant one more year not the end of the year and so he really wanted to give the job till June again making it two years.  I had nothing to say.

For the first half of that year he was in and out and Chance and I went to Florida here and there.  I was sad and angry and lonely and I told him so, I asked and begged and explained and cried and tried everything I could think of to make it clear that I was not good with what was happening but it didn't seem to matter even though Scott said he was working on it there didn't seem to be any change.  At this point Chance was starting to show signs that he noticed when Daddy was gone he was learning the routine of him leaving and he started acting differently, sad when Scott left and more clingy to me and other things right after Scott left.  When June came I was completely at my wits end on being alone and where any of this was going.  When we had the are you going to quit discussion and Scott said he wasn't going to, I was done.  That was the end.

Something changed then  every time something happens that I should be able to depend on him for and I can't for one reason of another it has chipped off a piece of my ability to trust him and without that you don't really have much in the way of long term relationship.  I think in normal situations this happens all the time some little thing happens like you ask somebody to stop and pick up milk on the way home and they forget which chips off a little piece of trust but it's no big deal because they just get it tomorrow or they run back out and get it right now and the next time you ask they remember because they remember that they forgot last time and that rebuilds the trust and it's all ok.  But in our situation there was no rebuilding of trust, he works and makes money and I did everything else, he came home was tired, I did his laundry and then he left he didn't have time to do much of anything there was no way he was going to work in trust rebuilding plus he didn't seem to feel the same way or at least he never mentioned it.

At the end of the summer he left for a trip and I just couldn't take it so I threw some things in a suitcase and we went to Florida. I didn't call to tell him until we were far enough away it didn't make sense to turn back.  We only went for the week but again that would have been a good time to move back, I needed to fix myself and there was for me here in New Orleans.  There had been a pay cut at Scott's job and that put us behind on all of our bills and because I was in charge of paying them that meant I was taking a lot of flak for creditors calling on top of actually talking to the creditors because for some reason my cell phone number is the automatic default”home" number.  This did not sit well with me and my mental stability was going fast.  As the end of the year came around I will admit Scott was there for the major holidays and we were able to go trick or treating and eat Thanksgiving dinner together.  December came and went and I don't even remember talking about if he should keep his job or not, it was abundantly clear to me at this point it didn't matter what I said or what I was going through he would quit or not quit when he wanted and I had to make my own plans.  At this point to the economy had snuck up on us and jobs are not as easy to be had as they were in the first year of this job.

The beginning of this year has been stressful and lonely, I love Scott very much and am not ready to give up on the relationship but I am done doing this, I don't care anymore.  I am having a hard time reconnecting with Scott even when he is in town because I don't believe him, I can't plan a future with him, and we can't plan to go on vacation or even go to the park to many days in advance. I can't make a Dr.'s appointment, or go to the Dentist because I don't know when Scott is going to be home and even when he is he usually gets to go first because he has to leave and so I wait.  I stopped handling the bills last December and I stopped making appointments for him before that, I just couldn't handle the burden of cancelling time after time on his behalf anymore. 

When June rolled around this year it made three years at this job and I didn't even mention it, neither did he.  I don't care anymore and like I said it doesn't seem to matter anyway.  I can really see it taking a toll on Chance now too, he cries when Scott starts packing and now that he has words he tells us that he doesn't want him to go.  After we drop him at the airport Chance cries and cries yelling for Daddy sometimes most of the way home.  As soon as we get home he doesn't want to get out of his car seat and says that he wants to go to the airport and pick Daddy up.  All through the time Scott is gone Chance will ask to go pick Daddy up at the airport.  He gets mad and throwing his arms up in the air and crying sometimes when I tell him Daddy isn't coming home yet.  I do what I can like finding where Scott is on the map in Chance's Room and letting him talk to Daddy on the phone when Scott calls while Chance in awake but I never tell Chance when Daddy is coming home because I do not want to have to change that date and disappoint him.  Because he is starting to understand time I almost told Chance we could go to the Monkey Room with Daddy next Monday but now I am really glad I didn't because it turns out Scott won't be home till Thursday as his schedule changed.  I am having a very hard time being strong for Chance.  I haven't even been able to keep it together for myself and now Chance is asking about Daddy and acting out when he leaves so it isn't getting better.

My solution is simple, I want to rent out this side of the house and move back to Florida until this job is over.  It isn't at all what Scott wants to hear but that's it. I should have done it a long time ago and I should do it now.  I need to get in a place where I have help with Chance and I can provide a more dependable environment for him.  A place where I have a more dependable environment for myself where I have friends and I am not just waiting for Scott to come home all the time.  A place where when I need a moment to myself to go to a coffee shop and sit or the library and read a book I can get that.  All the books and magazines will tell you that it is ok to get overwhelmed when you have a baby and sometimes the best thing to do it get away for a few minutes. Ask someone to watch the baby and take a walk around the block.  I have never been able to do that that would be so nice.  He is going to go off to preschool and then school and I am starting to miss things because I am so caught up in all this shit that is going on.  I am dying for friendships and moments to me all at the same time and the search for those moments are starting to overshadow my time with Chance.  I don't want to miss those times with him.  I don't want to look at Chance when he is older and wish that he was still a baby.  I want to enjoy him as he is so I grow with him in every step.    I have always been part of a big close family and I have found comfort in that, I have always believed that it takes a village, so I keep asking myself what the hell am I doing here.




Let me say that I know Scott is on the road and that is hard. I know that he is bringing all the money into our house and that deserves respect and definitely means something.  I know and acknowledge that the situation has gotten a little better since the beginning of this year.  I know this entry is one sided but it is my journal and it should be.  I know that Scott has had a hard time of it too, but there is nothing I can do about that. He made his decision then he made it again and again.  He has gone out of his way to tell me things I have done or have wanted to do are wrong and I think a lesser woman would have left a long time ago.   I love Scott very much and I will say that a lesser man wouldn’t have put this much effort into something he thought was right.  My question is if in the end he ends up alone with a house some money and a bunch of stuff, will it have all been worth it?  For me the answer is easy, No.  I learned one big life lesson from losing my Dad at a young age and that is none of the stuff matters.  Tell people you love that you love them, show them that you love them, experience as much as you can with them, capture every moment in your mind because in the end that is all you have.  The house gets sold the stuff falls apart but those memories will live with you forever and will shape your overall memory of that person.  The years that Scott have spent away from us would never be considered worth it if you asked me.

 

I am sorry if there are some typos and some run-on sentences I didn't go back over the whole thing. Scott comes home this time on the 23rd he is supposed to be home until the 15th of August and I told him if he leaves before then I would put rocks in my pockets and walk into the river a la Virginia Woolf.  Though I am morbidly kidding about that I will pack our things and go to Florida.  I am done.