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I went through a period of time where I had acrylic nails. They weren't tips so they weren't long it was just a layer of acrylic over my nails so my nails didn't break all the time and they held polish so they always looked nice. I decided it was a waste of money and so I had them taken off and although I don't think it's any less a waste of money and I don't think I would want to keep them for very long I do think it might be a nice thing to do for myself for a few months. And actually in that case it wouldn't be a waste at all.
I also want to go to a nice place and have my hair cut with an actual style.
These are things I want, not things I have to have but things that I can have if I work for them. I can have anything I want as long as I am willing to work for it.
I have had a cut off age for having kids since forever, because my parents were old. On average my parents are 10 years older than the parents of people my age. I never wanted this. Also, my Dad died when he was 47 and I want to make sure that the bulk of my kids growing up life is over by the time I am 47. This one might be a bit superstitious, if you will, but it's there and it's real and that is all that matters. Given these two things I told myself that 30 was my cut off age for having kids. If I hadn't gotten all my kid having out of the way by then, well fuck it, I had fucked up and I had to live with it, end of story.
Well guess what? I am 31 and I have that craving to have another baby that women get every so often.
I still don't want Chance to be an only child. 99% of the time I am ok with it, I spent a good bit of time with a man who didn't want kids at all and so I should feel lucky to have the one I do and believe me I do and to that end when I had him I struggled to come to terms with the idea that he was the only one I got. And I was ok with it.
But now what? I am too old and I can't see myself being in any sort of situation that I could reasonably say having another baby is a good idea any time soon. So I should just let it go right? I need to just let it go, Let go not only of wanting more kids but also the age limit because it's stupid and arbitrary and doesn't really matter.
I want another little boy, maybe I'll name him Hugo or a little girl, I'll name Calais (I can name them whatever I want because this is my fantasy). And probably this is brought on by Chance starting school soon or maybe this is because I am in a new relationship and ideas like this pop into your head when that happens or maybe it's because two of my Mom friends just announced they are pregnant Again. Whatever it is, it makes me sad because I know the reality is that I will probably never have another baby for whatever reason and so I am going to have my moments that I have to struggle with that. The struggle between being smart and responsible and just having what I selfishly want all pushed forward by my stupid biological clock.
- Mood:
sad
All I want to do is jump off
Stab myself in the back
Break a rib in the process
It's not you, it's me
But it really doesn't matter now
Flying through the air
All this because I'm falling down
A hole or a well
Turns out I've never been so high
Broken thoughts intoxicate me
Nobody here knows why
Slit my wrist
Let it pour
Show them the truth
It's what they get for always wanting more
Got to move me to a place
Where we never stand still
The soul isn't broken
And the people get their fill
From the river to the ocean
Dip it in, fill your cup
Water's muddy and it's rising
To your lips, drink it up
My teacher invited one of her high school students over to her house to help him with a project and to have dinner with her family. She had two young children about 6 and 8 year old at the time, the student and her children got along very well all through the evening, giving them space to finish the project then playing games together after dinner. Throughout the visit my teacher had taken several pictures and since this was back int he day they had to wait about a week for the film to be developed. When the week was up my teacher brought the pictures home to show her family. As her kids looked at the pictures they pointed at the high school student and asked "who is that?" when my teacher reminded them of his name saying "don't you remember him?" they said yes, but that the person in the photo was a different color "what do you mean?" my teacher asked and they said that the high school student looked like them but that the person in the photo was a different color.
Her children were so accepting and color blind that they did not notice that the student they were playing with all evening long was Black. It wasn't until they were shown a picture of themselves playing with the boy that they noticed any difference at all. How wonderful would the world be if we could all do that all the time?
This story has made me push myself to be a better person since I was in high school. I strive to live my life without passing judgement on anyone else based on race, gender, color, sexual preference...and I have to say without a doubt I do it better and anyone I know and I will do everything in my power to pass this idea, this way of life on to Chance.
When I mention this idea to other people here in regard to Chance the first thing they say is "Get him out of Fort Myers"
He's got it now but if I let him stay in this type of environment he will lose it and he will lose it fast. Once it's gone it is so much harder to get back. I have to get him out of here.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/qemorio/se
A lady never tells
A lady can be the center of attention at the most elegant cocktail party
and the most depraved S & M gathering
A lady can remain in the background and let others shine
A lady has dinner with Princes
and drinks with beggars
A lady is kind
A lady is generous
A lady can hold her own in a strip club
and never looks out of place at the opera
A lady does not judge
A lady holds intelligent conversation
A lady is well versed
A lady is well read
A lady is well traveled
A lady can be taken home to meet your Mother
A lady cooks
A lady cleans
A lady delegates fairly and efficiently
A lady will sell her soul for the sake of her family
A lady heals all wounds even if the wounded does not share her views
A lady sails ships
A lady has many talents
A lady breathes life into the ideas of the world
A lady let’s them eat cake
A lady helps those less fortunate
A lady supports her man without question
A lady cares for all children
A lady believes it takes a village
A lady stand alone
Being sick is lame. Also, I definitely miss having seasons. There are Christmas decorations all over the house but no indication outside that Winter is even remotely close. The leaves should be falling from the trees. People should be wearing fashionable sweaters and fancy boots. I wish New Orleans wasn't so complicated. I am inpatient.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
I woke up this morning and read a few pages is Coyote Blue. I am right now still under the covers because it is chilly outside and I don't want to have to get out of this nice warm bed. That being said, Read-A-Thon was good and just like every other time I do it I hope to be able to dedicate more time to it next time around. Here is the end of Thon meme:
- Which hour was most daunting for you? The first few hours when I had a headache
- Could you list a few high-interest books that you think could keep a Reader engaged for next year? I like light stuff for Read-A-Thon, humor is great, keep the pages turning.
- Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next year? Nope
- What do you think worked really well in this year’s Read-a-thon? The fact that you didn't have to have a blog to participate in mini challenges
- How many books did you read?18 plus half way through 4 more
- What were the names of the books you read? There are a lot but I will say I liked Fly Away Home by Eve Bunting and The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne Valente
- Which book did you enjoy most? I enjoyed reading the Elephant and Piggie books with my little guy. He read on his own! (he's only 4 yrs)
- Which did you enjoy least? A coupe of those kids books were torture L.M.N.O. Peas for instance
- If you were a Cheerleader, do you have any advice for next year’s Cheerleaders?dedicate time to read and time to cheer don't mix them.
- How likely are you to participate in the Read-a-thon again? What role would you be likely to take next time? Very, Reading with a little cheer on the side.
I finished one of my books! I finally finished The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making. I guess I just needed to kick my butt into gear about it and that book trailer challenge did the trick. So yay me! I sound so sarcastic, I don't mean to honest. On that note:
I am packing it in for the night not really because I want to stop reading but mostly because the aforementioned little guy will be in here bright and early at 7am to wake me up whether I get 10 hours of sleep or 1. At this rate I am probably getting less than six and that isn't a lot when you are chasing around a 4 year old all day. However I may be able to work in some more reading for an hour or so in the morning because the read-a-thon doesn't end until 8:00am here on the East Coast which if my little alarm clock graces me with his presence at his usual time gives me at least an hour to read.
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